Tough (Self) Love

Well hello there!

It's been a while since I've posted, and for that I am sorry. Sometimes life gets in the way, and sometimes it's plain old laziness. This time, I've been feeling sad and lonely, so I've been spending my days ignoring the things I should be doing (work & homework) and the things I want to be doing but just can't seem to get myself to do (hanging out with friends, exploring the city, & working out), and feeling sorry for myself instead. Pathetic? Yes. My reality? Yup, I let it happen.

How I've been feeling lately.

I woke up this morning feeling like I've spent the last month in a haze, completely wasting 1/5 of my time abroad. I know what I want to be doing, I just can't seem to actually get myself to do those things. Crazy? Maybe a bit.

Anyway, one of the items on my long to-do list for the day was to write an article for my college's Honors and Scholars newsletter about study abroad. I hadn't been feeling particularly inspired lately, so I kept putting the task off. I'm jetting off to Ireland and Scotland this weekend (YAY!!!), and I figured this item was one I could probably knock out in less than an hour. I soon found that once I started writing, the feelings just flowed out. The article basically turned into both a letter to future study abroaders, but also to myself. It seems I have found a little tough love to serve up to myself, and I am hoping theses feelings stick around and help me dig myself out of the little (big?) slump I am in right now.

Although I am probably not in any way supposed to post this until it's been published in the newsletter, I'm going to anyway. I feel that if I make this public, maybe I'll remember that I have so many important friends and family members back home rooting for me to be having the best time of my life. Maybe it'll help me get out of my own way, and start enjoying this time abroad again with the enthusiasm that I had my first two months here. Five is an odd number, so maybe we can make it even and pretend this third and middle month never really happened.

I put up an "inspiration wall" of meaningful (to me) quotes next to my bed. It's original purpose was to get me out of bed at 6:15 everyday to get my workouts done, but I find many of its quotes applicable to my life in general. Lately I have been focused on the words of Laird Hamilton, who advises, "Make sure your worst enemy doesn't live between your own two ears." This quote is one that I truly need to take to heart (or head) and try to live by every day. Now, that's my goal.

My article

You move abroad. Maybe it’s for a whole year, maybe just a semester. Maybe you’re looking for an adventure, or you’re bored with the monotony of everyday living. Maybe you’re a little lost and looking to find yourself, or maybe you are just ready to move on to the next chapter of your life, and your circumstances are holding you back right now. Maybe you are ready to take life head on, yearning to be challenged every day. Maybe you’re running away – from problems, too many burnt bridges, a broken heart – or maybe you’re just feeling particularly restless. Whatever the reason you decide to move away from the life you know, the people, the country – your home – you do it. You’ve been thinking about it for months, maybe even years, and finally the decision is made. It’s done.

So, now you’re abroad. You’re in a new country with new people, new customs, new systems, and maybe a new language. You are so excited and you take everything in with the appreciation that only a traveler can have – the incredible architecture that locals walk by every day without a second glance, the beautiful sky that stretches out above this amazing new place (is that really the same sky you see at home?), the convenience and sensibility of public transportation, how different something as simple as a street sign can be, or how differently people are dressed from what you normally see at home. Everything is new, it’s so appealing, and you cannot wait to be part of this alternate universe just an eight hour flight from home.

But, through all of this excitement, this stimulation that has you dreaming about all of the new people you will meet, the foods you’ll try, the places you’ll see and the things you’ll do, you’re a little scared. Sure, there’s a girl living in the city who you knew in high school, but you weren’t exactly friends. You have your “program buddy,” but let’s be honest, she’s getting paid to be nice to you. There are probably thousands of other study abroad students, but you’re not taking classes, so how could you possibly meet them? What are you going to do all alone? How are you going to communicate with anyone here? English is your only language, and sure, it’s pretty widespread, but the country you chose, the place you’re in for the next five months, it was under Communist rule just twenty years ago. Can you realistically expect to get by with just English? And you’re still so excited, so happy to be here, but the fear has crept in around the edges, and you have to consciously keep your mind from touching it every single day.

After living in Prague for almost three months, that fear, that panic that I am alone in a city of one and a quarter million people, away from everything I have lived with and known for the past twenty years, it’s still around. Sure it’s mostly subsided, but every once in a while it comes back and takes over, and I’m forced to face the reality that I’m still a little scared, that I still get nervous when I go somewhere new, that sometimes I get lonely and long for my friends and family back home, or just the simple act of being able to communicate with the lady at the grocery store checkout, that I’m never really comfortable eating at a restaurant by myself and that I’d rather go to a museum or exhibit with a friend than alone. Sometimes I just want to stay in my room all day watching American TV shows (and sometimes I do), but everyday I’m faced with a choice: I can either let the fear take over, give up and waste another day not exploring the city, not meeting new people and making friends, not seeing the incredible things this city and country have to offer, feeling sorry for myself, lonely, and just wishing I could be back at home, in my comfortable apartment, hanging out with my friends, and reveling in the routine of the life of a typical college student, or I could get over the fear and push back.

Study abroad is a challenge every single day. It’s a rollercoaster, and while the hills are high and the views from up there are incredible, the lows run deep and sometimes you wonder why you ever put yourself in this position in the first place. The key lies in not only recognition, because that’s the easy part, but action. It is so easy to blame your inaction on the fact that you’re scared and to realize that if you simply pull yourself up out of bed and do something, anything, you’ll be okay and start making your way back out of that low, but to actually do it, to get up when all you want to do is feel sorry for yourself, longing for home, that’s the challenge. 

Maybe you moved abroad to try something new, to discover another part of the world, or to discover yourself, but maybe you’re running away. Maybe it’s both, and although it’s hard, and although every single day is exciting yet filled with challenges, you know without a single ounce of doubt that you don’t want to do what you’ve always done, that you don’t want to let the fear creep in and paralyze you, that you don’t want to waste one more second feeling sad or lonely or scared, and that in two months when you head home, you don’t want to feel like you’re running away again. So don’t. Don’t let the comfort of routine dictate how much you get out of this experience or how much you enjoy it. Revel in your differences from the locals, appreciate the fact that you will do something wrong nine out of ten times, but that eventually you’ll get it right, absorb the differences, and enjoy the realization that all of those new things you are seeing and experiencing are changing you down to your tiniest little fiber, and be thankful that you get to have your eyes pulled open and realize that just because it’s not familiar, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Everyone will tell you what an incredible, life-changing experience studying abroad is, but they’ll rarely tell you about the shadows. But what makes light shine brighter than the presence of darkness?

I seem to have forgotten what the sun looks like

I have a long "to write" list sitting on my desk next to my computer and staring me down right now, but I am just in the most beautiful mood, and I had to share! What always makes me a happy girl?

BEAUTIFUL WEATHER!

More specifically, dress weather. Yup, it's finally that time of year in Prague - like switching on a light, the weather here went from snowing just two weeks ago to incredibly, wonderfully, amazingly beautiful! We aren't graced with the sun too often during the winter here in Prague. Every once in a while, the sun will peek through and you'll get a day of beautiful sun and blue skies with puffy white clouds scattered overhead as far as you can see, but not often. Besides, those sparse sunny days may be beautiful, but they're still cold. Really cold.

But now! Oh! 

Happy happy girl I am! Not having to wear a coat to work - mine stinks of sweat anyway - not having to wear tights over bare legs - I guess I'll have to start shaving - the sun still up until 21:00 - so much time for activities! And of course, instead of having to wear layers and layers, socks, boots, pants, sweaters, coats, hats, scarves, and gloves, I can simply put on a dress and wear just that. Perfection.

The recent death of Ms. Pulitzer was a true loss to the quirky summer-wear fashion community, particularly when you come from a preppy, nautical hometown like I do. But, I will still live on through Lily when I make my spring- and summer-wear choices. Our philosophies, after all, are quite similar.

See, Ms. Pulitzer and I both believe in easy, and what is the easiest outfit a woman can wear? A dress, of course! Our peculiar but similar needs also align: Lily needed bright patterned dressed to hide the mess that got on her when she ran her homegrown juice stall, and I need to hide the embarrassing amount of sweat that collects on my body when I simply walk around (or stand or sit or breathe). We have both found the perfect solution to be beautiful, fun, comfortable patterned dresses, and I'm sticking to it!

Besides, how can you ever go wrong with a summer dress?

Rome!

Rome. What a beautiful city! So full of life, beautiful architecture - buildings, fountains, ruins. Rome is certainly a city that everyone should see in their lifetime! I was lucky enough to get to visit both Rome and one of my best friends at the same time!

I had a great time catching up with Carly and getting to spend more time with Katie and Jacqueline, and we did so many fun things! Gelato, awe-inspiring architecture, the amazing Italian food, and getting to see Mumford & Sons in concert were definitely the highlights of my trip!

Although the forecast threatened rain, Mother Nature was on our side for the weekend and not a drop fell while I was there. It was quite a bit colder than I expected, and I was definitely not prepared with a proper coat, but a little chill in the air didn't hinder our adventures!

After my plane landed, I followed the signs leading me to the train, purchased my ticket, and headed into Rome! I had two sets of directions - one from my hostel and one from Carly - and Carly's were much clearer for what train to take away from the airport. Unfortunately, her directions only led me to the tram stop closest to her housing, so once I got off, I was left to wander my way to my hostel. After quite a while of walking around and not finding the right road, I finally bought a map and tried to follow the hostel's directions, which were actually from a different stop. My amazing sense of direction had me walk completely the wrong way, across the river, down and around and about. Although getting to walk around Rome and see it's beauty was exciting, after almost two hours, I just wanted to find my hostel! I finally buckled down with my map, figured out where I was and where I was supposed to go, and started my trek. I was nowhere near where I was supposed to be! Oops. I finally found the right address, found Orsa Maggiore Hostel for women only, and checked in.

I was much later getting in than I expected because of my lost wandering, and Carly was just about to leave for her cooking class when I finally got in touch. Thankfully, Katie and Jacqueline were kind enough to come collect me, and we made our way through their neighborhood to a grocery store for them to stock up and get some food to make dinner.

Walking through their neighborhood was great! Their housing is on a quiet street, but just a quick walk to a charming area with tons of shops, cafes, bars, and beautiful piazzas, statues, fountains, and buildings! It was dusk when we were walking around, and everything looked beautiful all lit up!

When we got back to their place, which is right around the corner from my hostel, we hung out, caught up, and Jacqueline made us dinner. Katie had made a spur-of-the-moment chocolate pie purchase at the grocery store, and we dug into that while Jacqueline was cooking. As their roommates filtered in and out, several asked if our pie was to celebrate Pi Day (the 14th of March - 3.14). We hadn't even thought of that! It was fun to "celebrate" and not even know it, and the pie was delicious!

When Carly came home, she told us about how repetitive and boring making homemade gnocchi is, but how delicious and fun it is to bake Nutella cookies! We hung out for a while, and eventually I left for a quick nap at my hostel before meeting back up and heading out for the night. When we reunited, we made our way through Rome's winding cobblestone streets and ended up at the Pantheon! The Pantheon is MASSIVE, and although I am sure it is not as beautiful as when it was covered in marble, is still an incredible sight - especially when lit up at night!

After a few pictures, we continued on our way to get my first genuine, Italian gelato! Yup. It was AWESOME.

Jacqueline headed home to get some sleep before a bright and early field trip the next morning, and Carly, Katie, and I went out and about.

The neighborhood the girls live in is great! The whole area is crawling with people our age, and it's almost like a college town! We had so much fun just walking around with our 3 euro 40s, sitting on the steps, and being harassed by local Italian boys about our favorite football team.

After a relaxed night, we headed home - my hostel had a 3am curfew, anyway (which I did not know before booking >:( ) The next morning I woke up bright and early - waking up at 7:15 every morning for work will do that to you on vacation, and hung out at the hostel since the girls weren't up until around 11. Carly and Katie met me and we headed out for some sightseeing, while Jacqueline met up with us after her field trip! The list included the cat sanctuary in the center of Rome (so cool!), the Pantheon in the daylight,Vatican City & St. Peter's Square where I sent some postcards (were you lucky enough to get one??), the Via del Corso which is the crazy busy shopping street in Rome, the Barcaccia Fountain, the Spanish Steps, the Trevi Fountain, and so much more! We were exhausted after so much excitement and walking, and by the time we got to Tony's for dinner, we were so ready to sit and relax!

Tony's is a very yummy, very Italian restaurant in the girls' neighborhood. We all started with bread, oil and balsamic, water, wine, and bruschetta. Jacqueline and I enjoyed Tony's pesto, Katie got lasagna, and the real star of the meal was Carly's penne in vodka sauce! So delicious! By the time we finished, I was falling asleep at the table, but when the waiter brought two tiramisu out for us to share (on the house), I woke up long enough to enjoy the dessert! The last time the girls had been to Tony's, they had been given several treats on the house as well, and it was extra fun, as we realized that nobody else in the section we were sitting in was getting the special treatment that we were! It pays to travel in a group of young girls ;)

Next, of course, I headed to the hostel for a quick nap before heading out for the night, and man, did I need it! After meeting up with the girls, our first stop of the night was the chocolate bar, and yes, it is as amazing as it sounds! The line was out the door (and, well, it's kind of hard not to be with how teeny tiny the bars are in Italy), but the wait was not too long and totally worth it! The bar serves up shots of Baileys mixed with chocolate sauce and topped with whipped cream in a completely edible, completely delicious chocolate shot glass! It is so fun! You just drop the whole thing in your mouth - it's quite a mouthful, but quite delicious - and enjoy!!

We headed to a few other places, and after an extremely long bathroom break for Katie, she returned to us apologizing that the toilets were overflowing, but brought back a friend. Uhm...yes...it really happened like that and was that hilarious (sorry, Katie!). Apparently this isn't the first time Katie has met friends in the bathroom! The guy was Irish but living in London, and he and his friends invited us to join them at another bar. Who can say no to that accent?? We walked around with them and actually ended up taking them to one of the girls' favorite bars, 8 Millimeter. The place was quirky, artsy, and full of cool people and awesome bartenders. One bartender asked me to marry him later by the new Pope. Of course I said "yes!"

We lost half the group of Irish/Englishmen, but two hung around with us, and we went to a bar with a ridiculous selection of beer, then to get crepes. I had my first crepe - Nutella and banana - and I am sold. What a delicious concoction! I have eaten more Nutella in Europe than I have during the first 20 years of my life!

We finally called it a night - all the bars seem to close around 2am in Rome, such a bummer (and very different from Prague and many other European cities). Unfortunately, the night's excitement for me hadn't truly even hit.

So, I get back to the hostel right before 3am, ready myself for bed, chat with my Momma, and finally head to bed around 4am. I wake up later to the girl in the bed next to me moaning really loud. In my mostly-asleep state, I am just pissed that she is being so loud, roll over, and kind of fall back asleep.

Next thing I know, it feels like somebody is sitting on the end of my bed. Again, in my half-asleep state, I thought that somebody sat down to put their shoes on or something, and although I found that inconsiderate, figured I would just ask them to not sit on my bed while I am sleeping in it. I opened my eyes to see who it was and ask them to move, and was greeted by the completely bare naked ass of the girl from the bed next to mine, the one that was moaning. She had her pants pulled down and was squatting over my bed!! I AM NOT KIDDING!

Me: What the hell are you doing?!
Girl: Going to the bathroom.
Me: On my bed?!
Girl: Yeah, it's fine.
Me: No! What the hell? Go to the bathroom!
Girl: Sorry, sorry, it's not that bad (starts moving towards another bed to defile).
Me: NO! GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!
Girl: (finally walks away to go to the restroom)
Me: (totally pissed off & rips top 3 blankets off bed, goes back to sleep)

Okay, so I don't know if the girl actually peed on my bed (and, in retrospect, I probably caught her before she did), but come on! Honestly, this is just karma getting me back for all of the crappy situations I put other people in during my not-so-responsible high school years, and it truly gets funnier and funnier every time I tell the story. But, I was pissed at the time!!

The girl was obviously very very drunk, and it was entertaining the next morning to hear her friends tell her that no, she didn't do anything embarrassing last night, then get to tell her that she peed on my bed (I know, I am mean). But, I was still really mad at the time, and seeing the girl embarrassed after she asked me to explain exactly what happened (because she didn't remember - no duh, Sherlock, you were hammered) felt like retribution for having to see this girl's bum squatting over my bed. She apologized, and I am embarrassed (now) to say I wasn't particularly gracious. Live and learn?

What really made me angry (and still does) is the hostel's response to the incident. Obviously, they did not see fit to refund me for the night or charge the girl extra, which I do understand, but I don't think that asking for new sheets and blankets was too much! Although it might have been a language barrier thing, the woman working refused my request twice before finally agreeing to have my bed made up with new linens. Who knows if that actually happened. But, like I said before, I think I caught the girl before she actually started going to the bathroom.

What a fun night, right? On top of this excitement, of course I still woke up way too early, so right around four hours of sleep for the second night in a row was just awesome =)

The next morning Carly and I did a bit more sight seeing, which included Rome's massive Parliament building, the Colosseum, Roman Forum, and the Arch of Titus (I think). We had a fun time, and eventually parted ways to get ready for the Mumford & Sons concert!!!!!

Mumford & Sons is an awesome folk rock band from the UK (although a couple members are from the U.S.). Their music is wonderful, and many songs have religious underpinnings.

The group has been touring Europe, and even before I left the States for Prague, I learned that they were having a show in Prague and wanted to go! Unfortunately, instead of buying tickets right then and there, I dilly dallied and waited, and the show in Prague was sold out by the time I got around to checking back. I was so upset at the time, but it ended up being a blessing!

Katie and Jacqueline both had tickets for the show, and Carly and I had our fingers crossed and were hoping to scalp two when we arrived. After a scary taxi ride, we were immediately approached by an older Italian man at the venue. We were confused as to whether he wanted tickets or was selling them, and finally realized he wanted to sell them to us - well, that was easy. At first the price was €60, but once the guy realized we wanted two tickets, it was magically raised to €140 for the pair -____- what an ass. We looked over the tickets thoroughly, comparing them to Jacqueline and Katie's, and they looked completely real. There was a shiny, metallic part, a barcode - things that we figured would be pretty difficult to copy. We were satisfied, paid the guy, and got in line. While waiting, I was looking over my ticket, and cold shivers came over me when I realized that my ticket said "Mumford Song." Uhm...shouldn't it say "Mumford Sons?" Yup, it should. We had looked over the tickets so well and completely missed the most obvious mistake! Carly and I were pissed, and decided to find the fraudulent Italian man.

Hell hath no fury like two 20-year-olds jipped out of €140!!

We were walking around, asking each other if we remembered what he looked like or what he was wearing. Neither of us did, but we finally saw the guy, and once he saw us, he surprisingly walked over to us. Using our future-mom voices, we firmly told the guy the tickets were fake, pointed out the mistake, and demanded our money back. He told us that it wouldn't matter that the tickets were fake, that it wouldn't be a problem - yeah, right! After some arguing, the guy relented, and gave us our money back with the promise that we wouldn't tell anyone else that his tickets were fake. Nobody was more surprised than us that we got our money back!

We went back in line, and tried to figure out what to do. The fraudulent Italian had a friend who tried to sell us tickets as we were returning the fake ones, but his looked fake, too, so we passed. While we were waiting in line, though, the guy brought over yet another scalper, who offered us his tickets for €100 each. There was no way we were paying that much, and we told him so. After a while, he returned, and told us he would sell them for €80 each. We asked to look over the tickets, and this time we really were thorough. Everything was good - different barcodes on each ticket, different serial numbers, the correct price, etc. He explained that he bought them in Florence, where the group had had their previous show. We decided that these ones actually were real, and that the extra €10 per ticket was worth it! We finally had real tickets!

It turns out that the fraudulent Italian was right - his fake (& cheaper) tickets would have been just fine. Although the tickets were super intense with barcodes and shiny things, and more, the guy checking our tickets barely even glanced at them before admitting us, and I am sure that many many people got in with fake tickets! Oh well, we didn't care!

The concert was incredible and I am so happy and thankful that I got to go!

After waiting a ridiculous amount of time trying to catch a taxi (we're talking hours here), crashing a disco birthday party full of 40-somethings dressed and dancing like teenagers - which I would like to erase from my mind - and eating some birthday cake, we finally made it home!

We walked around for a bit, I got some late-night pizza, and we all crashed for the night.

The next morning, Carly and I went around for my last sights of Rome, my last Italian gelato (for now), and an attempt to buy some genuine Italian leather (seriously, who doesn't take credit cards for a $25 purchase).  The morning was dreary and punctuated by the incredibly heartbreaking loss of the Seton Hill women's lacrosse coach and her unborn baby, along with the injured players and deceased bus driver. Having traveled so much on buses with our own team, the tragedy hit home. For Carly, whose mother works at the school and who has many friends as students there, the tragedy was particularly difficult.

We said goodbye, Carly loaded me onto the tram, and I said "ciao" to my long weekend in Rome. 

After such a long trip, I returned home exhausted. My trip was great, but it is always a good feeling to be back home, in your own flat, with your own bed, able to cook your own food, and not having to worry about your roommates peeing on you in the middle of the night =) 

I finally figured out my future!

I know what I want to do with my life.

Okay, not really, but I know what I want to do in the near future, and it's THIS.

Well, it's kind of that...I want to spend a substantial amount of time traveling throughout the United States, writing, taking pictures, and meeting my fellow Americans.

Traveling through Europe has been incredible, and I am so so excited to continue my journeys, but I stumbled upon the above video, and it has me watering at the mouth to plan the next step in my life. At first I thought, "Someday. Someday I'll do this," but then I remembered one of my favorite quotes, which I happened to see graffitied on a wall in Vienna. That quote reminds me that, "The perfect moment to start is always now."

So, why not? What's stopping me? I have a car, making traveling around much much less expensive than flying throughout Europe, I graduate from college (yikes!) in almost exactly a year and one month, I am young, have no real responsibilities yet (i.e. children, etc. - thank God), and I only have this one lifetime to pack in as much adventure, experience, and learning as I possibly can. So, again, I ask, WHY THE HELL NOT?!

Reasons why I should not spend a year traveling & seeing my amazing country:

1. It's not the normal thing to do. Well, I'm not normal, so whatever.

Reasons why I should spend a year traveling & seeing my amazing country:

1. My country is absolutely incredible. Is there a more diverse country in the entire world? I'm talking people, land, culture - this is my own backyard (a 3.97 million square mile backyard), and it's just full of interesting things to see and do and experience. Just thinking about all of the people I could meet, how many stories I could hear, is making me want to start planning RIGHT MEOW!

2. I have a car with less than 65,000 miles on it, and I am sure my Baby Car would love to see and experience the wonderful country that produced it. Yup, it's a Ford ; )

3. As previously mentioned, my country is incredibly diverse, and I want to meet the people who I share a nationality with. Everyone has a story, everyone is the way they are because of their personality and circumstances, and I want to hear those stories.

4. I could possibly make money doing this. Maybe. I'll figure it out. Maybe.

5. There are a million and one more reasons, but I'm in Barcelona, so their documentation will have to wait!!!


I just got so excited about this, and I had to post about it, but later when I have more time, I will share more of my thoughts and feelings on this topic. For now, I must explore this city that I am totally infatuated with, Barcelona, Spain!